sacrifice

November 27, 2013

The ‘Gift of Going Second’

Dearest sister,

My husband and I have started a fun little dinnertime ritual, which involves a deck of conversation cards. A few days ago, the dinnertime question was, “What qualities are most important for you when choosing a friend?” We both enjoy having interesting conversations, and agreed that was a nice quality in a friendship, as are sacrifice, loyalty, and generosity. However, having a genuine, authentic friend who is willing to share her heart and struggles is far more important to me than any other trait.

Have you experienced this type of relational intimacy? If so, then you will most likely agree that this is a rare gift in this busy world. We are happy to connect with friends on more light-hearted topics, even if we cannot share our hearts. There is certainly nothing wrong with these types of friendships- not all relationships can or should be ones in which we bare our souls. Though this desire may be buried in your heart, we are created with a need and longing for depth of relationship. We are made in the image of our Creator.
Why do we often not experience this lack of intimacy in friendships? One obvious answer is the busy, frenetic pace at which life passes. Sin clouds our relationships as well, keeping us from feeling safe among ‘friends’. We certainly need to deal with both of those issues head on. But I’d like to suggest another reason we don’t have these friendships.

Are we willing to share our hearts? Opening up our hearts to another sinner is
s-c-a-r-y at times. Okay, who am I kidding? It is very rarely easy to open up about who we are, our weaknesses, our fears, the things that lie beneath the surface of who we appear to be outwardly. It is even scary to share our dreams and desires with friends. What if they think I’m crazy? I’ve certainly felt that way before.

But as controversial author Anne Jackson (now Miller) writes about, we need to give each other the ‘gift of going second’. In other words, are we willing to open up our hearts to a friend, giving them the courage to also share honestly, or do we always wait for others to take the risk first?

Beautiful, honest, deep, meaningful relationships are born out of the risk to be open and vulnerable. I’ve seen it happen so many times in my life. This certainly has not always been because of courage on my part, but because I was desperately in need or facing tremendous trials. But those seasons have always brought the closest bonds, bonds that continue to this day.

The enemy of our souls wants nothing more than to divide us, so we must fight for honest relationships. Honesty brings unity, and this is pleasing to God (Psalm 133:1-3). If you knew how much a sister was struggling, would you gossip about her, or tear her down in your thoughts, or judge her inwardly? No, you would most likely reach out to her in love. Likewise, we can more deeply experience God’s love when we open ourselves up to those around us, allowing them to meet our needs and support us as we struggle. We must also be willing to forgive and let go of bitterness in order for honest conversation to happen.

In this busy holiday season, it might seem impossible to foster these types of conversations, but I assure you, there is a sister out there who desperately needs to know she’s not the only one struggling. Perhaps you need that support as well. Reaching IN to our communities is just as important as reaching OUT. Pray about a sister to pursue, and then listen, share your struggles, your dreams and joys as well! There are certainly no guarantees, but don’t be surprised if your relationships start to change for the better.

Your sister,
Ruth

July 18, 2013

One-Flesh

Dear Sisters,
The other day, our eldest asked—we knew it was coming. It was just a matter of time until one of the kids did—“Dad, did you fall in love with Mom the first time you met?” She was almost breathless with the anticipated Disney love story. Ryan replied, “No.”
Stunned silence. (I can laugh, now.) Honestly, at that time of our meeting, neither one of us thought of the other in the starry, dreamy way many movies tend to portray lovers. In fact, there are still moments that we don’t feel that Disney-magic for each other. However, we can both look back to one moment in time when we jointly, before witnesses and more importantly, before God, swore to marry one another, to meet each other’s needs in spite of difficulties or comfort, and to remain with each other until death.

At our wedding, something new and unique was created. Something to be nurtured and fed—a part of both Ryan and myself—something God mixed and intended to be strong and full. In the beginning, God made woman from man. He brought her to Adam who recognized Eve was made from his body and then God said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24. Sexually one, yes—but ‘one flesh’ is much more than that small part of our lives.
Too often individuals seem to enter marriage thinking and acting as if they continue to be separate individuals with separate bank accounts and separate medical history—together for the benefit of the feelings they receive from the other, independent in other parts of their lives they wish to reserve for themselves. Because of this, once the feelings recede or difficulties surface, it seems all too easy to ‘dissolve’ the marriage. Unfortunately, it is easy to divorce (on paper)—but the destruction of a living, breathing marriage is a travesty. I have wept bitter tears hearing of and seeing the end of marriages of friends. My heart is wrung wondering about the children—and knowing both halves of the torn marriage are shattered. Yet, thanks be to God!—even in the midst of divorce, God is our Redeemer and our Hope! I am so grateful that even my worst decisions are not a hindrance to His great plans for me—simply something He uses to teach His child and to ultimately accomplish His plan (Romans 8:28).

Marriage was not created to be a simple ‘social contract’—cancelled when its usefulness runs out—though marriages do benefit society in protecting the family and raising adults who can function in our world, to their own and others’ benefit. The process of becoming ‘one flesh’ was a glimpse of Christ interacting with His Church. He loves the Church even to the point of sacrificing His life for her, and she is to respect Him. Paul calls it a “great mystery” in Ephesians. Certainly Jesus’ thoughts and actions are mysterious—wholly unlike our self-tainted views. I mean—sacrifice? Who in their right minds marches up to the altar and commits to sacrifice for someone else?!

There is a great amount of flowery love-talk, but the actual “doing” of love is often absent. A wedding is like the vision you have when someone says they are going to the hospital to give birth to a baby. You picture a cute, cuddly, clean, sleeping baby. However, after birthing five children, I can tell you, the vision is more realistically a frazzled dad hovering over a sweating, yelling woman who works the hardest she ever has to produce an equally noisy, messy baby.

So, our earthly ‘one flesh’ process is quite a lot less of the mysterious and dreamy one-ness and a heck of a lot more like the messy, hard work one-ness. That hard work is our forever curse here on earth: saying, “No” to my own selfish desires, and seeking instead to serve the other. We create something beautiful together here on earth, though: a marriage together—beauty that Christ likewise intends for His bride.

Running with you,
Rebecca

November 11, 2011

Mercy Received, Mercy Given

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.”
~ 1 Peter 1:3-5
My dear sister,

I love this verse because it wonderfully demonstrates the extent of God’s mercy through explaining what He has done for us. However, even though we have this verse I find that I don’t meditate on God’s mercy quite enough. So let’s meditate on it together. Let’s first consider what mercy is. Easton’s Bible Dictionary describes mercy as “compassion for the miserable.” You read correctly. Mercy is having compassion for those who are miserable, or of a pitiable state. This reveals a hard truth about what we are like before salvation and is confirmed everywhere you look in society. It means that without God, without His saving love in our lives, we would be utterly miserable. So God saw us in our miserable and sinful state and though our sin justly deserved death, He made a way for us to have life. God showed us His great mercy by sending His Son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. And when Christ had accomplished that work God raised Him from the dead, conquering sin and death forever. Those who are in Christ abandon their miserable selves and receive new life in Christ, in whom there is joy that abides forever. And if that wasn’t enough to blow your mind, read the next part of the verse. Not only did God give us life by causing us to be born again but He has also prepared for us “an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading.” But wait! There’s even more! God, even now, is guarding you “through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.” How great is this mercy that God has shown us? He owed us nothing, and we deserved nothing but death and yet He gave us everything!

So now that we have received this mercy, how should we respond to it? In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, “Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy” (Matt. 5:7). In Matthew 9:13 Christ says, “Go and learn what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” Because we have received mercy it is now required of us that we practice mercy. This is certainly a hard thing for me. Walking around campus at FSU it is all too easy to judge others based on their wardrobe, hairstyle, or colorful vocabulary. In my anger and offense, I selfishly forget that I’m supposed to show mercy to those who don’t know Christ and are therefore in that miserable state that we talked about earlier. This week I hope to find ways to decrease my judgmental thoughts and replace them with acts of mercy. For it is mercy that triumphs over judgment (Jas. 2:13). I hope you too, dear sister, will find ways to show the same kind of mercy to others that Christ has showed to us.

In Christ,

Kayla