Dear sister,
I didn’t think it would be like this. Me sitting on the kitchen floor, head in my hands, and tears filling them up while my 4 ½ year old sits on her bed in timeout, my 19-month old girl is in timeout in her crib (screaming) for refusing to pick up her socks she threw down, and my 19-month old boy crying because he doesn’t want to play. Maybe if this was the first time an episode like this had happened it would be different, but this was the latest in a line of defiance by one or all of them. Let me fill you in a little bit, friend.
We have waited 4 years to finally be paired with boy/girl twins, less than two years old, from Ethiopia. God, our Creator, answered this prayer for our family with (the impossible according to human government and agencies) 18-month boy/girl twins. Yet here they are, fully Craigs now, adopted by us on Thanksgiving Day! They were brought to their forever home a week before Christmas. Although we have longed for this day for years, they have been shaken out of all they have ever known. They have been dropped into our culture, climate, and conversations with no warnings or expectations. Yet, I expected them to bond quickly and to love learning their new environment. That has not been the case. Food is refused, fits are thrown, and cries are constant refrains. My heart aches. I lost site of God’s sweet answer of years of prayers and my thankfulness waned as my guilt rose for this loss of gratitude.
In the midst of this, my oldest refuses to do her 30 minute school work each day and has learned to tell us “No! I don’t love you!” Awesome (said with sarcasm of course). And finally, we are moving from our home of 5 years in Okinawa, Japan to Puerto Rico in less than two months. This is the longest place I have lived since high school. My husband and I have fought and said hurtful things to each other in this adjustment and I have gotten shingles where the sun doesn’t shine, ringworm, and some other unknown rash.
So there I was on the kitchen floor just hours before writing this. Where is my hope in this dark time? What can encourage my sad and broken soul that aches for sin to be eradicated in my own life and my kids? I needed a lifeline. I contacted my faithful friend who reminded me that Satan is a jerk and he is defeated and I don’t need to listen to his lies. My heavenly Father adopted me out of His abounding love when I willingly disobeyed him defiantly. Jesus became fully man to take on my blatant defiance, disobedience, and lying and then died for it. Died for it! He loved me so much; He died for my screaming defiance and hatred of Him. How can I not love and forgive my kids when their account is so small? How can I not love my husband when he hurts me, when I hurt the Creator of the Universe with my words and deeds every day? And then Jesus conquered death! He rose again, dusted off my sin that covered me and clothed me with His righteousness. Now I am right before God because of the Father’s abounding love of me. The guilt I feel for not being good enough, thankful enough, or loving enough is true! I could never be good enough…which is why Jesus’ love at the cross is so sweet, and the hope that it provides is so immense.
Phew. I needed that. My tears are still close to my eyes, but I can face this next minute knowing I am forgiven and right before God. I can love my kids and husband because I have been chosen and adopted with all the rights of my daddy. I can rest knowing that God loves me first and has cast judgment of my sin into the depths of the sea the moment I trusted Christ. Thank you Jesus for your abounding love! Spirit, help me remember this truth when I don’t feel it.