Dear Sisters,
The other day, our eldest asked—we knew it was coming. It was just a matter of time until one of the kids did—“Dad, did you fall in love with Mom the first time you met?” She was almost breathless with the anticipated Disney love story. Ryan replied, “No.”
Stunned silence. (I can laugh, now.) Honestly, at that time of our meeting, neither one of us thought of the other in the starry, dreamy way many movies tend to portray lovers. In fact, there are still moments that we don’t feel that Disney-magic for each other. However, we can both look back to one moment in time when we jointly, before witnesses and more importantly, before God, swore to marry one another, to meet each other’s needs in spite of difficulties or comfort, and to remain with each other until death.
At our wedding, something new and unique was created. Something to be nurtured and fed—a part of both Ryan and myself—something God mixed and intended to be strong and full. In the beginning, God made woman from man. He brought her to Adam who recognized Eve was made from his body and then God said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24. Sexually one, yes—but ‘one flesh’ is much more than that small part of our lives.
Too often individuals seem to enter marriage thinking and acting as if they continue to be separate individuals with separate bank accounts and separate medical history—together for the benefit of the feelings they receive from the other, independent in other parts of their lives they wish to reserve for themselves. Because of this, once the feelings recede or difficulties surface, it seems all too easy to ‘dissolve’ the marriage. Unfortunately, it is easy to divorce (on paper)—but the destruction of a living, breathing marriage is a travesty. I have wept bitter tears hearing of and seeing the end of marriages of friends. My heart is wrung wondering about the children—and knowing both halves of the torn marriage are shattered. Yet, thanks be to God!—even in the midst of divorce, God is our Redeemer and our Hope! I am so grateful that even my worst decisions are not a hindrance to His great plans for me—simply something He uses to teach His child and to ultimately accomplish His plan (Romans 8:28).
Marriage was not created to be a simple ‘social contract’—cancelled when its usefulness runs out—though marriages do benefit society in protecting the family and raising adults who can function in our world, to their own and others’ benefit. The process of becoming ‘one flesh’ was a glimpse of Christ interacting with His Church. He loves the Church even to the point of sacrificing His life for her, and she is to respect Him. Paul calls it a “great mystery” in Ephesians. Certainly Jesus’ thoughts and actions are mysterious—wholly unlike our self-tainted views. I mean—sacrifice? Who in their right minds marches up to the altar and commits to sacrifice for someone else?!
There is a great amount of flowery love-talk, but the actual “doing” of love is often absent. A wedding is like the vision you have when someone says they are going to the hospital to give birth to a baby. You picture a cute, cuddly, clean, sleeping baby. However, after birthing five children, I can tell you, the vision is more realistically a frazzled dad hovering over a sweating, yelling woman who works the hardest she ever has to produce an equally noisy, messy baby.
So, our earthly ‘one flesh’ process is quite a lot less of the mysterious and dreamy one-ness and a heck of a lot more like the messy, hard work one-ness. That hard work is our forever curse here on earth: saying, “No” to my own selfish desires, and seeking instead to serve the other. We create something beautiful together here on earth, though: a marriage together—beauty that Christ likewise intends for His bride.
Running with you,
Rebecca