My Dearest Sister,
In just a couple weeks Isaac and I will celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary. Looking back on our years together, I can honestly say that they have been the happiest of my life so far; However, I am not going to tell you that it has all been a perfect, fairy-tale romance. In those four years, there have been many arguments, tearful nights, and hurtful words spoken in anger, followed by a lot of bitterness and resentment. I actually remember a specific point a few months after the wedding where I was faced with the stark realization that my husband was not even close to the perfect person I had made him out to be (he is human, after all). I watched my own expectations of marriage crumble before me and felt disappointed, even a little bit heartbroken. I wondered how things could end up like this so quickly and why no one told me what married life was really like. What happened to the happily-ever-after part I was expecting? Maybe you can relate to this because like me, you’ve been there; Maybe you are even there right now.
What I didn’t realize until much later is that no marriage can truly blossom when it is rooted in our own expectations. Thanks to our human nature, we will all make mistakes and fall short of these expectations. Our flesh is so very wicked and, if given the chance, will fail us at every turn. That’s why it’s so important to live by God’s expectations for our marriage, not our own. His design for marriage, outlined in Ephesians 5:22-33, is unique in that He expects just one thing from us in regards to how we treat our spouses: 1) Wives are to humbly submit to their husbands leadership just as the church submits to Christ and 2) Husbands are to sacrificially love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. These two marital rules are so very important because they each speak to the deepest need of the other person. Why do you think we love those sappy, romantic comedies while our masculine counterparts love their action and war films where the hero saves the day? Because women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected.
With each spouse only having just one simple command to follow – wives submit, husbands love – you would think it would be easy to get a handle on our marriages. However, there is a major challenge to overcome. You see, even though a man communicates best in terms of respect and authority, he is called to express tender love toward his wife. In the same way, a woman communicates best in terms of love but is called to honor and show submission to her husband. We are each commanded to perform what is less natural to us, but at the same time means more to other person. That is why marriage is so hard! It demands that we step out of our comfort zone, away from what is familiar, and instead focus on what the other person needs. It is the very essence of selflessness, something our flesh deeply struggles with.
We know that we cannot overcome such selfishness on our own for as Jesus said, our spirits are willing but our flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41). It is only by seeking the Lord first in our marriage that we are able to fully grasp the instruction Ephesians 5 gives us. As wives, it is by submitting to Christ in every area of our lives that we learn to submit to a husband who doesn’t always get things right the first time. In the same way, when a husband fully grasps the love that Christ had in giving Himself for our cleansing and sanctification, he can then replicate that same love toward a wife who doesn’t always respect his authority. So the closer and more intimate our relationship with Christ is, the closer and more intimate our relationship with our spouse can be as well. Isn’t the Biblical dynamic of marriage remarkable in its design for our sanctification?
The truly amazing thing is that it doesn’t stop there with just the husband, the wife, and God. No, it is much more powerful than that! You see, when both parties heed the instruction in these 11 verses, they are exemplifying to everyone around them the bonded, loving relationship of Christ and the church. Paul calls this Christ/church relationship “a great mystery” (v. 32). Indeed, it is hard to understand how Jesus could love us enough to lay down His own life so that we may be cleansed and sanctified; It is also hard to understand how we could submit to the leadership of a Savior whom we have never even met. And yet this mysterious covenant between Christ and the church is portrayed so beautifully here on earth through the covenant of marriage. The ultimate purpose of marriage then is not for us at all, but for God’s own glory.
Knowing this, it is not surprising that the covenant of marriage is under such heavy attack from the enemy. By destroying the one earthly relationship that points directly to the gospel, a very powerful testimony is being taken away from the kingdom of God. That is why it is so important, sister, to heed the instruction that has been given to us as husbands and wives. For us this means submitting first to Christ’s leadership in every area of our lives and then submitting to the leadership of our husbands, even when they don’t deserve it. Let’s lay aside our own expectations and selfish desires, and instead focus on how to serve God within the realm of our marriage. Not only will it create a stronger, more loving relationship between us and our spouses, but it may just be the greatest ministry to which we will ever be called.
Grace, mercy, and peace to you my lovely sister,
~ Lauren