Tag: Bitterness

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The Flip Side of Forgiveness

Dear sister,

It’s hard for me to let go of things.

Maybe it’s a personality thing, but some people seem to get over things quicker than I can. Like a fairy that can only hold one emotion at a time, one moment they are upset and the next thing you know they have moved on. I’m more like a pit bull. Once I bite down on a feeling, it’s hard for me to let go of my death clench, especially when someone has wronged me. I like to think it’s my strong sense of justice but really I just struggle with bitterness.

Clichés like “let go and let God” and “forgive and forget” are not helpful. I want to trust God and forgive others as I’ve been forgiven, but forgiveness has not always come easy for me, especially when those close to me hurt me. I want to forget, but does that mean I pretend like it never happened? Where is the justice in that?

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:12-13).

I know I should put to death my sin of unforgiveness. The fact that I am forgiven should be the best motivator, but I still struggle to forgive. It’s just hard to let go.

If forgiveness is freeing, the flip side to forgiveness is bitterness, which only leads to spiritual torment.

When the disciples asked Jesus how many times they were to forgive someone, his answer was 77 times (Matt. 18:22). Was Jesus giving us the exact number we should forgive someone? Seven is symbolic for perfection, but I think the point here is that forgiveness is continual. It’s not as easy as “forgive and forget”. So why should we forgive? Because God commands it, and forgiveness is actually in our favor.

According to the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant, if we do not forgive from the heart the result seems to be spiritual torture (Matt. 18:35). Yes, we are to forgive as we have been forgiven, but not because the other person deserves it. If we don’t forgive, bitterness will eat away at our souls. Sin on top of sin does not solve the problem.

Bitterness is spiritually deteriorating, but true love overcomes fear.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (1 John 4:18).

When others hurt us, we don’t have to fear the pain, but we do have to forgive. And there is hope. God forgives our sins, but he is also just and sees your pain. Vengeance belongs to God and He will repay evil for evil (Rom. 12:19). Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting, but we are not to add to evil with our bitterness. So strive to forgive daily and trust God with the rest.

In Christ,

Karlie

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Help For A Prideful Heart

My dear sister,

I can tell when I’m getting there: my belly tightens, my countenance falls, and my eyes can’t meet theirs.   These physical reactions are manifestations of what is going on in my soul…choosing to not forgive the person for what they have done to me. After all, if I was in their position, I would have never made the choice they did: to hurt me. Or so I make myself believe so I can feel good about holding onto my resentment that is quickly rolling into bitterness.

I read somewhere that anger responds to an incident, about what someone did, where resentment (that leads to bitterness) is a settled stance against the person. I have found that true in my life, have you? I have determined in my heart that I will not like or forgive a person. The hurt they inflicted on me (abuse, break of trust, afflicting my child, adultery, firing me, etc.) is something that I can never forgive or forget.

I wish I had more than a few paragraphs to work through this, as it is an issue that is insidious in women’s lives and sometimes needs years of biblical counseling. But there is hope for you and me. Please let me preach to myself as I write to you.

Resentment and bitterness in my heart shows that I have forgotten how much sin Jesus paid for me on the cross. Please take time to read Matthew 18:21-35 where Jesus tells a parable of a servant who was freed from a lifetime of debt, jailed his servant who owed him a hundred days wage. Jesus has paid for all my ugly sin against God and all my neighbors, yet I can’t forgive one neighbor. “But I would never have done what they did!” Oh sister, but by the grace of God we are where we are. We are all capable of all sin. We murder in our hearts. We commit adultery with our choices of books, TV, or thoughts. We connive to get our way. We manipulate our husband, friend’s and family. And if you proudly say you haven’t done these, you now have shown your prideful heart.

We need God’s forgiveness in our lives! If we forget this, resentment against others moves in. As believers, we are known by our love to God and neighbor. If our love is not shown as forgiveness to those who have hurt us, how can we be sure that we truly trust that the Lord has forgiven us? If we genuinely believe that we have been shown mercy by our Creator, how can we not then show mercy to fellow offenders?

Finally, the Lord says that vengeance is His, not ours. We are not judge and jury over others, God is. Let the Lord deal with your offender. He will do them justice. He will give them what they deserve. So sister, let them go. Pray that they will find their forgiveness with the Lord rather than face the wrath of hell for eternity (what we all deserve). Serve them. Impossible? YES! That is why we need an all powerful God and Spirit to help us do what we cannot do on our own. Will we fail? Yes. Let’s be honest, we are human. But then…remember! Christ died for our bitterness and resentment! Repent! Find the refreshment of being cleansed by the blood. Then, let this be your inspiration to free your offender. Look them in the eye and forgive them as you have been forgiven.

Oh God! Help us! This is so difficult! We need you to help us not be resentful. Wash us anew in your grace and mercy and strengthen us to extend this mercy to others.

Your sister in Christ,

Colleen

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The Beauty of Suffering

Dear sister,

I wish you were there so we could have sat together, but this day I sat alone, on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands, crying…again. It was years ago, but I didn’t understand why God had placed me in that difficult situation. It was a set of circumstances that seemed impossible, and joy and thanks even harder. I felt bitterness beginning to set in, and at some points in that journey, I didn’t really care. I know you also have suffered deeply in this fallen world…and perhaps asked ‘why me, God?’ You are not alone. The Bible tells us we will face trials and tribulations in this world, and not to be surprised because of this (1 Peter 4:12). But often a sense of injustice rises up in us….’what did I do to deserve this, you might ask?’ Oh sister, do not give in to that lie. You are not being punished. (And what we truly deserve is far worse than any trial.) There are redemptive reasons for suffering. Stay with me, and find hope in God’s Word.

As hard as it may be to hear right now, all suffering is ultimately for the glory of God. I struggle with this one, as perhaps you might too, but I believe it is the best place for us to start. How can a bloody war, a sexually abused woman, an angry boss, and a wayward husband bring glory to God, you wonder? In many ways they don’t. Sin separates us from God; it never glorifies Him. The key point, however, is what God does to redeem and restore all things, and use them for great purposes in His kingdom. You may not have travelled long enough in your journey with a current struggle to see any way that God could use your pain for good, but we must cling to God’s Word, and believe that He can do this (Romans 8:28). May I remind you also, dear sister, of Lazarus’ story? ”When Jesus heard it [that Lazarus was very sick], He said, “This sickness will not end in death but is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”

Dear sister, may I remind you that suffering gives us the unique chance to comfort others? Read with me in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” Please do not give up in your discouragement, my sister, God wants to use your pain and trials to comfort others in the family of God. Pray that He will do so, and keep your heart open to this possibility. Do not give in to bitterness, as I was tempted to do, in my deep pain. I know you have the faith to hang on, and even more, you have a great God that will see you through.

Oh sister, take heart, as I will end with the most beautiful redemptive purpose of all: suffering will deepen your intimacy with and faith in Christ. Our Father loves us so deeply, and longs for us to be intimately united in faith to our Bridegroom, His beloved Son Christ Jesus. Lean into this trial you face, do not run from it, and allow the Lord to whisper His promises over your weary heart and soul. Ask for His grace, for it is all-sufficient grace! Remember please, what our brother, Paul said concerning the fellowship found in suffering with Christ…(Romans 8:17 and Philippians 3:10)

My prayer for you, for me, is that we would embrace each trial as a gift of grace from the Lord. “Everything is needful that He sends; nothing can be needful that He withholds.” (John Newton)

In Christian love, your sister–Ruth