Category: Marriage

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A Marriage Like No Other

Song of Songs 8: 6-7
6 Set me as a seal upon your heart,
As a seal upon your arm;
For love is as strong as death,
Jealousy as cruel as the grave;
Its flames are flames of fire,
A most vehement flame.
7 Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can the floods drown it.
If a man would give for love
All the wealth of his house,
It would be utterly despised.

Dearest Sisters,
That’s the power of love! These verses from Song of Songs contain the most exquisite description of love between a man and his wife. This is not the kind of “wedded bliss” love that we can have here and now, but this love that King Solomon penned by Divine Inspiration is already ours as we await our wedding day to the Prince. Someday my prince will come, indeed! He is the Lord Jesus Christ.

Yes, Dear Ones, the love songs of yesterday and today are quite beautiful. I admit, I am a fool for an old romantic musical—especially those that ran first on Broadway and later became movies. I relish watching them—those corny, silly, unrealistic, tear-producing two- hour segments of simplistic songs and trivial dialogue. And they do, to a degree, represent the love that often leads, even idealistically, to marriage. After all, they go together like a horse and carriage!

But sadly, in many marriages, that is the only kind of love that may exist between a husband and wife who have no hope in Jesus Christ, or even desire to know about Him and His love for His Bride. They work like a horse to ride out their marriage in a perishable carriage. Marriage without Christ makes no sense!

But for us who trust in Christ alone for our salvation, whether married or single, we await that glorious Wedding Day when our Heavenly Groom takes us for Himself. He has sealed us over His heart, a heart that once throbbed as He wept over Jerusalem, but now throbs in Heaven for those for whom He died. He wears each of us in our own emblem on His arm, and loves us as we are, sinful now, but sinless when He comes for us, dressed in our brilliant bridal gown, unstained, unwrinkled—but washed in His very own blood!

Christ’s love for us is as strong as death and His love is eternally jealous for us. Oh, I am not speaking about the love we should have for one another, where I Corinthians 13 tells us that love is not jealous. The Song of Songs proclaims the Divine Jealousy that characterizes God Himself when He declares in Exodus 34: 24, for you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. Jesus will have us for Himself, and we cannot share ourselves with anything or anyone in this world.

Precious Sisters, He does not stop there to profess His remarkable, unmatchable love for us in our eternal marriage to Him. He says that His love burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Do you remember the burning bush in Exodus 3? This is the same God—Father, Son and Holy Spirit, who spoke to Moses then, and is speaking to us now. What a great mystery, and yet, so real for us! Please, take a deep breath, and try to consider this kind of marital love that will send sparks flying forever! Imagine a candle lit evening, the most sumptuous dinner for two, music and poetry, His penetrating eyes, His truthful mouth, His breath of life—lasting forever and ever! And our residence will be Our Heavenly Mansion, Heaven, Heaven (no zip code required)!

There is even more good news! No waters—not even floods— can ever quench that flame of love that the Lord Jesus has for us! And no amount of money could have purchased it for us. God Himself gave Christ’s infinite and eternal love to us, by grace. As we await our Groom, let us remember that wonderful verse 8 from Ephesians 2, For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast.

And so, my married and unmarried Sisters, marriage on earth should reflect this exciting, romantic, eternal marriage to Christ Jesus. It should, but it cannot. It cannot because sin gets in the way. It is an ancient sin that began with our first earthly parents in Genesis 3:16, the sin of struggle with one another (…Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you. ESV)

Yes, as much as we love the husband God gives us here, and we sincerely strive to submit, to honor and to respect him, we fail him and we fail God. How good it is to remember that we are already forgiven of this sin, that we are called to repent of it and ask God daily to help us look upon our earthly husband as we would Our Eternal One! Ah, now that could really feel like a marriage made in Heaven!

Stay close to Jesus Christ,
Mimi

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Is Something Missing?

My dear sister,

I won’t forget our weekend together, how we laughed and shopped and ate lots of chocolate. The light-hearted conversation was certainly enjoyable, but what sticks in my mind is the conversation about the troubles we’ve both been having in our marriages. You struck a nerve when you said, “I have a great husband, wonderful kids, all I could ask for and more, but something is missing.’ Well, I wanted to write to you as soon as I could, because I think I may have just found out what that ‘something’ is!

I have been meditating on John 17 this week, and can’t believe that these ideas haven’t been obvious to me before. I’ve also been reading an amazing book, The Mystery of Marriage, by Mike Mason, and was riveted by his discussion on ‘Oneness’. Of course I’ve heard these ideas before, vaguely, but they certainly haven’t been a reality in my marriage up to this point…only in a very small way, enough to give me a hunger for that ‘something more’ that you are longing for too! I read this quote today, and it all started clicking in my mind:

Marriage is a living demonstration of the extravagant intimacy into which God wishes to draw all people, with the intent, as Jesus prays to His Father, “that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me” (John 17:22–23) –Mike Mason

This morning, as the piano music lilted through the air and my cranberry-mandarin candle flickered, I drank in the reality that I am already one with Christ, that He prayed this prayer for me, and that meditating on this truth will change not only my walk with Him, but also my marriage. It will change every relationship! I thought too, of all the ways that my heart resists this union with Jesus, and with my love. I reflected on all the times I avoid the nudges of the Spirit in my life, invitations to walk closer to Him, give up sin, and walk in love. I reflected on the ways I have chosen to prefer myself, and my needs, above those of my husband. I grieved over the pride that keeps me from considering him better than myself: “Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.” Philippians 2:3 (HCSB)

And somehow, the battle for the health and success of our marriage became remarkably clear. Not only did I now know in my heart the ‘why’ for giving up my desires for his, but I also saw the urgency of doing so. I saw the progression of how this unity between my love and I must happen- first, I must meditate on the wonder of my union with Christ and His deep love for me – and the result will be an overflow of love for my husband and unity with him.

I also felt fear rise up in me. Certainly, perfect love casts out all fear, (1 John 4:18) and this love of Christ can be described as nothing less than perfect. But I fear the vulnerability that comes with giving myself totally to the unconditional love and service of another. What if this newly found resolve is rejected? What if it is not returned? Two quotes gave me courage:

On the need to take the first step:

Indeed such love itself initiates growth by always taking the first step—being first to understand, first to soften the heart, first to forget a wrong, first to shoulder blame. This is the model of Christ, who in order to make peace with the world took our punishment upon Himself. –Mike Mason

On the rejection that may come:

In a difficult marriage this comes as harsh news. Indeed it’s the fact of oneness that makes being in a bad marriage so awful. The only way forward is for each partner to receive God’s unconditional love for himself or for herself, daily, and so to live in the amazing freedom of the children of God, released from all worldly obligations—including the warped demands of an unhealthy marriage.
-Mike Mason

Please do write, sister, and tell me if this resonates with you. I long for us both to know this reality in our marriages. I benefit greatly from your honesty and pure devotion to Christ. May that devotion be matched in our love for our husbands, as we lay down our lives for the sake of the Gospel. “By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35 (HCSB)

Your sister,
Ruth

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The Biblical Design For Marriage

​My Dearest Sister,

​In just a couple weeks Isaac and I will celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary. Looking back on our years together, I can honestly say that they have been the happiest of my life so far; However, I am not going to tell you that it has all been a perfect, fairy-tale romance. In those four years, there have been many arguments, tearful nights, and hurtful words spoken in anger, followed by a lot of bitterness and resentment. I actually remember a specific point a few months after the wedding where I was faced with the stark realization that my husband was not even close to the perfect person I had made him out to be (he is human, after all). I watched my own expectations of marriage crumble before me and felt disappointed, even a little bit heartbroken. I wondered how things could end up like this so quickly and why no one told me what married life was really like. What happened to the happily-ever-after part I was expecting? Maybe you can relate to this because like me, you’ve been there; Maybe you are even there right now.

What I didn’t realize until much later is that no marriage can truly blossom when it is rooted in our own expectations. Thanks to our human nature, we will all make mistakes and fall short of these expectations. Our flesh is so very wicked and, if given the chance, will fail us at every turn. That’s why it’s so important to live by God’s expectations for our marriage, not our own. His design for marriage, outlined in Ephesians 5:22-33, is unique in that He expects just one thing from us in regards to how we treat our spouses: 1) Wives are to humbly submit to their husbands leadership just as the church submits to Christ and 2) Husbands are to sacrificially love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. These two marital rules are so very important because they each speak to the deepest need of the other person. Why do you think we love those sappy, romantic comedies while our masculine counterparts love their action and war films where the hero saves the day? Because women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected.

​With each spouse only having just one simple command to follow – wives submit, husbands love – you would think it would be easy to get a handle on our marriages. However, there is a major challenge to overcome. You see, even though a man communicates best in terms of respect and authority, he is called to express tender love toward his wife. In the same way, a woman communicates best in terms of love but is called to honor and show submission to her husband. We are each commanded to perform what is less natural to us, but at the same time means more to other person. That is why marriage is so hard! It demands that we step out of our comfort zone, away from what is familiar, and instead focus on what the other person needs. It is the very essence of selflessness, something our flesh deeply struggles with.

​We know that we cannot overcome such selfishness on our own for as Jesus said, our spirits are willing but our flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41). It is only by seeking the Lord first in our marriage that we are able to fully grasp the instruction Ephesians 5 gives us. As wives, it is by submitting to Christ in every area of our lives that we learn to submit to a husband who doesn’t always get things right the first time. In the same way, when a husband fully grasps the love that Christ had in giving Himself for our cleansing and sanctification, he can then replicate that same love toward a wife who doesn’t always respect his authority. So the closer and more intimate our relationship with Christ is, the closer and more intimate our relationship with our spouse can be as well. Isn’t the Biblical dynamic of marriage remarkable in its design for our sanctification?

​The truly amazing thing is that it doesn’t stop there with just the husband, the wife, and God. No, it is much more powerful than that! You see, when both parties heed the instruction in these 11 verses, they are exemplifying to everyone around them the bonded, loving relationship of Christ and the church. Paul calls this Christ/church relationship “a great mystery” (v. 32). Indeed, it is hard to understand how Jesus could love us enough to lay down His own life so that we may be cleansed and sanctified; It is also hard to understand how we could submit to the leadership of a Savior whom we have never even met. And yet this mysterious covenant between Christ and the church is portrayed so beautifully here on earth through the covenant of marriage. The ultimate purpose of marriage then is not for us at all, but for God’s own glory.

​Knowing this, it is not surprising that the covenant of marriage is under such heavy attack from the enemy. By destroying the one earthly relationship that points directly to the gospel, a very powerful testimony is being taken away from the kingdom of God. That is why it is so important, sister, to heed the instruction that has been given to us as husbands and wives. For us this means submitting first to Christ’s leadership in every area of our lives and then submitting to the leadership of our husbands, even when they don’t deserve it. Let’s lay aside our own expectations and selfish desires, and instead focus on how to serve God within the realm of our marriage. Not only will it create a stronger, more loving relationship between us and our spouses, but it may just be the greatest ministry to which we will ever be called.

​Grace, mercy, and peace to you my lovely sister,
​~ Lauren
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One-Flesh

Dear Sisters,
The other day, our eldest asked—we knew it was coming. It was just a matter of time until one of the kids did—“Dad, did you fall in love with Mom the first time you met?” She was almost breathless with the anticipated Disney love story. Ryan replied, “No.”
Stunned silence. (I can laugh, now.) Honestly, at that time of our meeting, neither one of us thought of the other in the starry, dreamy way many movies tend to portray lovers. In fact, there are still moments that we don’t feel that Disney-magic for each other. However, we can both look back to one moment in time when we jointly, before witnesses and more importantly, before God, swore to marry one another, to meet each other’s needs in spite of difficulties or comfort, and to remain with each other until death.

At our wedding, something new and unique was created. Something to be nurtured and fed—a part of both Ryan and myself—something God mixed and intended to be strong and full. In the beginning, God made woman from man. He brought her to Adam who recognized Eve was made from his body and then God said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24. Sexually one, yes—but ‘one flesh’ is much more than that small part of our lives.
Too often individuals seem to enter marriage thinking and acting as if they continue to be separate individuals with separate bank accounts and separate medical history—together for the benefit of the feelings they receive from the other, independent in other parts of their lives they wish to reserve for themselves. Because of this, once the feelings recede or difficulties surface, it seems all too easy to ‘dissolve’ the marriage. Unfortunately, it is easy to divorce (on paper)—but the destruction of a living, breathing marriage is a travesty. I have wept bitter tears hearing of and seeing the end of marriages of friends. My heart is wrung wondering about the children—and knowing both halves of the torn marriage are shattered. Yet, thanks be to God!—even in the midst of divorce, God is our Redeemer and our Hope! I am so grateful that even my worst decisions are not a hindrance to His great plans for me—simply something He uses to teach His child and to ultimately accomplish His plan (Romans 8:28).

Marriage was not created to be a simple ‘social contract’—cancelled when its usefulness runs out—though marriages do benefit society in protecting the family and raising adults who can function in our world, to their own and others’ benefit. The process of becoming ‘one flesh’ was a glimpse of Christ interacting with His Church. He loves the Church even to the point of sacrificing His life for her, and she is to respect Him. Paul calls it a “great mystery” in Ephesians. Certainly Jesus’ thoughts and actions are mysterious—wholly unlike our self-tainted views. I mean—sacrifice? Who in their right minds marches up to the altar and commits to sacrifice for someone else?!

There is a great amount of flowery love-talk, but the actual “doing” of love is often absent. A wedding is like the vision you have when someone says they are going to the hospital to give birth to a baby. You picture a cute, cuddly, clean, sleeping baby. However, after birthing five children, I can tell you, the vision is more realistically a frazzled dad hovering over a sweating, yelling woman who works the hardest she ever has to produce an equally noisy, messy baby.

So, our earthly ‘one flesh’ process is quite a lot less of the mysterious and dreamy one-ness and a heck of a lot more like the messy, hard work one-ness. That hard work is our forever curse here on earth: saying, “No” to my own selfish desires, and seeking instead to serve the other. We create something beautiful together here on earth, though: a marriage together—beauty that Christ likewise intends for His bride.

Running with you,
Rebecca

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A Means, Not An End

My dear sister,

I think about marriage—a lot. I feel that as a single woman that is simply part of my job description. Think about marriage, dream about marriage, date guys who want marriage, and then maybe some day, I’ll actually have marriage.

Even just a year ago, singleness was easier to cope with but now that I’ve officially entered the season where all my friends are getting married (five between now and March) I’m getting more and more uncomfortable with my singleness. I’ve grown even dissatisfied in my lot from the Lord.

But why should I be dissatisfied in this? Singleness really isn’t that bad. Because of it, I am able to devote more of my time and energy to the Lord with few distractions. (1 Corinthians 7:34) Additionally, singleness offers a lot of freedom in how I spend my time and money. Why give all that up for a ring, limitations, and dirty diapers?

Dear sister, I think I often fall into the trap of thinking that my life doesn’t really begin until I have a man to share it with. So until he comes I’m just waiting around trying to look busy. But this ought not to be the case. Marriage is not the end or goal of my life. Neither is singleness. God gives both and takes away both but the season is not an end in itself. Rather, each season is a means to God’s end for our lives, which is our sanctification.

First Thessalonians 4:7a says, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification.” Contrary to the messages of the world, God’s first concern is not our happiness. Instead he desires for us to be holy, to be conformed to the image of his Son. Sanctification is the life-long process of being transformed into the likeness of Christ.

Both singleness and marriage are simply means to God’s greater end of making us holy and perfect. We can’t worry that not being married means that we’re not fulfilling our purpose. Our purpose is not to be married. Our chief purpose is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever and we can do that with or without a diamond ring (With, God, please with!).

The Lord is sovereign over where you are right now, dear sister, even if you don’t want to be there. Live out your singleness with earnest devotion to the Lord. Married already? Then be a godly and devoted wife and mother.

Each season in your life contributes to your sanctification. Take advantage of each one and don’t waste it. Trust God every day and hope in Him. Rest assured, He will complete the work he has begun in you (Philippians 1:6). He will not fail.

The LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. -Psalm 84:11