Category: Friendship

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The ‘Gift of Going Second’

Dearest sister,

My husband and I have started a fun little dinnertime ritual, which involves a deck of conversation cards. A few days ago, the dinnertime question was, “What qualities are most important for you when choosing a friend?” We both enjoy having interesting conversations, and agreed that was a nice quality in a friendship, as are sacrifice, loyalty, and generosity. However, having a genuine, authentic friend who is willing to share her heart and struggles is far more important to me than any other trait.

Have you experienced this type of relational intimacy? If so, then you will most likely agree that this is a rare gift in this busy world. We are happy to connect with friends on more light-hearted topics, even if we cannot share our hearts. There is certainly nothing wrong with these types of friendships- not all relationships can or should be ones in which we bare our souls. Though this desire may be buried in your heart, we are created with a need and longing for depth of relationship. We are made in the image of our Creator.
Why do we often not experience this lack of intimacy in friendships? One obvious answer is the busy, frenetic pace at which life passes. Sin clouds our relationships as well, keeping us from feeling safe among ‘friends’. We certainly need to deal with both of those issues head on. But I’d like to suggest another reason we don’t have these friendships.

Are we willing to share our hearts? Opening up our hearts to another sinner is
s-c-a-r-y at times. Okay, who am I kidding? It is very rarely easy to open up about who we are, our weaknesses, our fears, the things that lie beneath the surface of who we appear to be outwardly. It is even scary to share our dreams and desires with friends. What if they think I’m crazy? I’ve certainly felt that way before.

But as controversial author Anne Jackson (now Miller) writes about, we need to give each other the ‘gift of going second’. In other words, are we willing to open up our hearts to a friend, giving them the courage to also share honestly, or do we always wait for others to take the risk first?

Beautiful, honest, deep, meaningful relationships are born out of the risk to be open and vulnerable. I’ve seen it happen so many times in my life. This certainly has not always been because of courage on my part, but because I was desperately in need or facing tremendous trials. But those seasons have always brought the closest bonds, bonds that continue to this day.

The enemy of our souls wants nothing more than to divide us, so we must fight for honest relationships. Honesty brings unity, and this is pleasing to God (Psalm 133:1-3). If you knew how much a sister was struggling, would you gossip about her, or tear her down in your thoughts, or judge her inwardly? No, you would most likely reach out to her in love. Likewise, we can more deeply experience God’s love when we open ourselves up to those around us, allowing them to meet our needs and support us as we struggle. We must also be willing to forgive and let go of bitterness in order for honest conversation to happen.

In this busy holiday season, it might seem impossible to foster these types of conversations, but I assure you, there is a sister out there who desperately needs to know she’s not the only one struggling. Perhaps you need that support as well. Reaching IN to our communities is just as important as reaching OUT. Pray about a sister to pursue, and then listen, share your struggles, your dreams and joys as well! There are certainly no guarantees, but don’t be surprised if your relationships start to change for the better.

Your sister,
Ruth

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Sitting in the Dirt

Dear Sisters,

I looked up the word “friend,” as used in Proverbs 17:17 (“A friend loves at all times”), in a Hebrew dictionary. The word means ‘an associate (more or less close)’ and comes from the root, ‘to tend a flock’ or to ‘pasture it’ –by extension, ‘to associate with (as a friend).’ Working on tasks and eating together are the glue of many of my friendships. Likewise, many times we suffer through adversity together in these moments, which create and cement longstanding bonds.

My thoughts turned toward the story of Job and his friends. Job’s friends traveled to meet with him after hearing of the misfortunes that had swept over him. “When they lifted up their eyes at a distance and did not recognize him, they raised their voices and wept. And each of them tore his robe and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky. Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great.” Job 2:12-13.
Amazing love these men showed their friend! I love my friends and want to meet them in their pain, to help if I can; but I have never sat in the dirt with anyone for over an hour, much less days and nights—without speaking. (Note: they were men, however.) Unfortunately, after their great show of love, they turn from sorrowing with their friend to accusing him in their own self-righteousness.

I am afraid I too often make the same prideful mistake when a friend meets trouble. I want to help, so I seek out all the ways they have failed—to help them fix their problems and move on, of course. Yet, “a friend loves at ALL times”—the verse does not continue with said friend fixing imperfections—just loving. Sitting in the dirt. My friendships should be powdered with more of the dust of trials, and less of my desired white wash.

In James 2:23, the author recalls Abraham and God’s friendship, “’And Abraham believed God, and it was reckoned to him as righteousness,’ and he was called the friend of God.” What an incredible testimony. Abraham believed—he accepted God’s promise that he would have infinite descendants even in the midst of his childless sorrow! He and God sat in the dirt together, trusted, and were friends.

Dear God, please cultivate these friendship qualities in my life—yes, dirt and all.

Running(and sometimes sitting)with you,
Rebecca

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A Good Friend

Dear sister,

I always thought I knew what friendship was until I was asked to write about it. Hmmm…I know that friendship on the east coast is hard at first but lasts forever while friendship on the west coast is instant yet can be fleeting…or so stereotypes tell. I do know a bad friendship when I see one. Yet when I try to define it I come up lacking. As a Navy wife living overseas and knowing a friendship may last for only a year or three, it makes me question even more what real friendship is. So what is friendship?
Funny enough, I found myself singing a song that my two year old listens to…forgive me for quoting song lyrics in the midst of this conversation…BUT, here is what Sovereign Grace Music is teaching my daughter…and me:

A friend will always think of others
A friend will overlook a wrong
A friend sticks closer than a brother
A friend is patient all along
Jesus, let me be the friend You are to me

CHORUS
A good friend, true friend
Here to help you through friend
Strong friend, kind friend
You can have what’s mine, friend
Best friend, sure friend
Humble and a pure friend
Lord, I wanna be a good friend

A friend will help me do the right things
A friend won’t lead me into sin
A friend will help me when I stumble
A friend will lift me up again
Jesus, help me find a friend who’ll make me wise

Wow, are you as convicted as I am? A humble and a pure friend, a friend that won’t lead me into sin, a friend like Jesus. Jesus. I never put friendship into the realm of theology before this letter to you. Yet when I asked my husband how he would define friendship, the first thing he said was to be like Jesus. Jesus lovingly and humbly rebuked His friends when they were in sin or being tempted to sin. He was there in the tumultuous storms with them. He gave his life up for His friends. Would I do that for my friends? Even if I only know them for a year or three? That’s what He did. Jesus is a friend of sinners, why? Because they are the ones that need Him…we are sinners. We need Him. We need to trust Him. We need to give our lives to the only true example of a lasting and meaningful friendship. Jesus, may the friendships that I make here on earth model the one you gave to me freely when I was at my worst and was not a friend back.

Your sister,
Colleen