Dear sisters,
We have recently adopted one-year-old, boy/girl twins from Ethiopia. The Lord gifted them to us on Thanksgiving Day and we brought them home to Okinawa just before Christmas. The next month we began the process of moving from Okinawa to Puerto Rico, our next duty station. This means that, while we are starting to create a new home for our babies, we’re also packing away the only home our biological daughter has ever known and saying goodbye to the friends who have supported us through many difficult periods in our lives. To say our marriage has been tested is too simple. To say the relationships with all of our kids have been strained at times is understated. And to say that our bodies have revolted against the stress is too modest. There are days when my husband and I say our kids hate us and other days when we don’t even like each other. Though these days have the hope of excitement and joy, often they also have a lining of darkness where we forget to tell ourselves the facts of our faith and instead live in the rawness of our explosive emotions. It is easier for me to sink into the darkness of my soul, than to control my thoughts and actions under the truth of the gospel. Lets face it, sometimes we long for the indulgence of a good pity party rather than capturing our thoughts with the help of the Spirit to give us hope through the dark times.
If you’re thinking, “I don’t even know what that would look like?” believe me, I understand. It’s a lot easier for me to tell you what it looks like when I don’t use self-control and selflessness that is fueled by the Spirit. I get overwhelmed with kids crying and whining and instead of taking a step back, breathing, and reminding myself of their age and stage, I scream back at them. Instead of hearing my husband out as he makes a simple suggestion, I cut him off and let my face fall while telling him why his suggestion won’t work. I dwell on what is wrong, bad, or difficult in my life instead of telling myself the character and promises of God that have been given to me in Christ.
But I’ve also been given hope through glimpses of Spirit-led self-control in dark times. What does that look like? It’s taking thoughts captive in dark times through self-control and selflessness. It’s way easier to spiral down into a “woe is me” attitude than to control my thoughts and captivate them with Christ. If I do take the time to have self-control, I can train my heart and soul to remember that God is sovereign and in control of all things. Sadly, it’s often easier for me to think that no one understands my situation than to remember that I have a Savior who understands all pains and hurts because He has been there too.
So in the dark and tumultuous times of flux, change, and unknown, I need to find my hope by controlling my thoughts and actions. To step away from emotional screams of the moment and remind myself of the truth of my good, sovereign, and kind God that works for my good. I can have patience because the Father has infinite patience with me. I can show kindness when its not deserved because Christ did that for me. I can give underserved grace because I have been given immeasurable grace in Christ. I have been adopted in Christ. I have the inheritance of heaven. I am forgiven as far as the east is from the west. All these truths are what I need to stop and choose to remember. This takes Spirit given self-control. Yes, it’s work. Yes, I fail at doing this myself. Oh Lord, help us to grow in this each day.
Your sister in Christ,
Colleen