Author: Ruth Fink

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Loved By God

Dear sister,

I know how you feel, I really do. No matter how hard you try to fill your deep need for approval, nothing really ‘does it’ for you. All of us sisters have been gathered ‘round this month, chatting about our imperfections and need for grace. I feel that vast pit in my soul that cries out for love, just like you do. Isn’t that what drives our image obsessions? Don’t you want someone to affirm your beauty, worth, and loveable-ness? Well, I’m grabbing your hand and we’re doing a happy-dance together, because you ARE loved! I am loved! Loved with purpose, intention, passion, and complete abandon.

Why is it that the knowledge of Christ’s sacrificial love often does not penetrate our hearts and give us rest from striving for perfection? Why do we, why do I, feel the constant compulsion to prove our worth and value in every other way than in the proven love of Christ? This question has haunted me over the years, as I’ve wrestled with the vast expanse between my knowledge of God’s love and deep belief and experience of that love. Like a windshield wiped clean in the fog, I’m starting to get a clearer picture of the mystery I’ve faced. To be frank, I’ve resisted His love. I’ve chosen to go to so many broken cisterns, and God will not compete for affection.

For My people have committed a double evil: They have abandoned Me, the fountain of living water, and dug cisterns for themselves, cracked cisterns that cannot hold water. – Jeremiah 2:13

When we persistently chose other gods, He allows it (Romans 1). But even in giving us over to our sin, His purpose is to win us back again. God is a relentless lover, and will not give up on us. We see this clearly in the Old Testament, as Hosea the prophet is asked by God to marry the prostitute Gomer. We are just as unfaithful, sweet sisters. Every time we run to another ‘god’ for affection, approval, and worth, we turn away from God. Look at Hosea 2:6-8:

Therefore, this is what I will do: I will block her way with thorns; I will enclose her with a wall, so that she cannot find her paths. She will pursue her lovers but not catch them; she will seek them but not find them. Then she will think, “I will go back to my former husband, for then it was better for me than now.” She does not recognize that it is I who gave her the grain, the new wine, and the oil. I lavished silver and gold on her, which they used for Baal.

When I first read this passage, I remember being very upset that God would do such a thing, but it is true compassion that He allows the other ‘gods’ we worship to disappoint us. Because they will, sister. Perhaps you, too, find everyday idols to be so very tempting…and this includes the high opinions of others that we often desperately crave.

We also see this in 2 Corinthians 3, as Paul contrasts the Old and New Covenants. Similarly, when we strive for the perfect image, we are living under the law, but when we live in the freedom of God’s love for us, we are transformed! Have you ever seen someone in love? She’s probably glowing in the knowledge of her Beloved’s love. You sister, can have that glow too! Read in 2 Corinthians 3: 17-18:

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

Why not REST in the knowledge of God’s love? That has been so difficult for me to learn, and I finally threw up my hands and starting asking God to please. help. me. There’s nothing to feel badly about though, we’re all learning! We need to repent and move on to new life in Christ! In fact, Jesus even acknowledges this learning process in Matthew 11:29:

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

He’s been so faithful to help me. He has pried my hands off of so many silly obsessions and placed my eyes and heart squarely back on His face, his heart for me. It’s certainly been a journey, but I’m making small steps every day, every year. Sister, we can count on the promise of God’s never-failing love!

Abraham was promised a child, promised that He would be the father of many nations. In Genesis 15 we see that rather than giving Abraham the solution he wanted on the spot, God performed an ancient ritual that showed His commitment to keeping His promise to Abraham. In the midst of Abraham’s questions, God offered him what he offers us all: “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.”

God’s love is the shield that protects us from the lie that we need to perform to win approval. God himself is the reward we crave, not the perfect appearance we are striving for. We’ll be delving into this deep ocean of love for the rest of our lives, but start the journey now. Ask God to take away the idols that require so much of you. You will never satisfy the demands you or others place on you for image-perfection. It’s time to turn in your resignation as Image Consultant and start day one as Beloved Daughter of the Most High God!

Loved by God~ your sister,

Ruth

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The ‘Gift of Going Second’

Dearest sister,

My husband and I have started a fun little dinnertime ritual, which involves a deck of conversation cards. A few days ago, the dinnertime question was, “What qualities are most important for you when choosing a friend?” We both enjoy having interesting conversations, and agreed that was a nice quality in a friendship, as are sacrifice, loyalty, and generosity. However, having a genuine, authentic friend who is willing to share her heart and struggles is far more important to me than any other trait.

Have you experienced this type of relational intimacy? If so, then you will most likely agree that this is a rare gift in this busy world. We are happy to connect with friends on more light-hearted topics, even if we cannot share our hearts. There is certainly nothing wrong with these types of friendships- not all relationships can or should be ones in which we bare our souls. Though this desire may be buried in your heart, we are created with a need and longing for depth of relationship. We are made in the image of our Creator.
Why do we often not experience this lack of intimacy in friendships? One obvious answer is the busy, frenetic pace at which life passes. Sin clouds our relationships as well, keeping us from feeling safe among ‘friends’. We certainly need to deal with both of those issues head on. But I’d like to suggest another reason we don’t have these friendships.

Are we willing to share our hearts? Opening up our hearts to another sinner is
s-c-a-r-y at times. Okay, who am I kidding? It is very rarely easy to open up about who we are, our weaknesses, our fears, the things that lie beneath the surface of who we appear to be outwardly. It is even scary to share our dreams and desires with friends. What if they think I’m crazy? I’ve certainly felt that way before.

But as controversial author Anne Jackson (now Miller) writes about, we need to give each other the ‘gift of going second’. In other words, are we willing to open up our hearts to a friend, giving them the courage to also share honestly, or do we always wait for others to take the risk first?

Beautiful, honest, deep, meaningful relationships are born out of the risk to be open and vulnerable. I’ve seen it happen so many times in my life. This certainly has not always been because of courage on my part, but because I was desperately in need or facing tremendous trials. But those seasons have always brought the closest bonds, bonds that continue to this day.

The enemy of our souls wants nothing more than to divide us, so we must fight for honest relationships. Honesty brings unity, and this is pleasing to God (Psalm 133:1-3). If you knew how much a sister was struggling, would you gossip about her, or tear her down in your thoughts, or judge her inwardly? No, you would most likely reach out to her in love. Likewise, we can more deeply experience God’s love when we open ourselves up to those around us, allowing them to meet our needs and support us as we struggle. We must also be willing to forgive and let go of bitterness in order for honest conversation to happen.

In this busy holiday season, it might seem impossible to foster these types of conversations, but I assure you, there is a sister out there who desperately needs to know she’s not the only one struggling. Perhaps you need that support as well. Reaching IN to our communities is just as important as reaching OUT. Pray about a sister to pursue, and then listen, share your struggles, your dreams and joys as well! There are certainly no guarantees, but don’t be surprised if your relationships start to change for the better.

Your sister,
Ruth

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Love Triumphs Over Evil

Dear sister,

We can’t escape the obvious. This world is plagued with evil, we fight daily against the Evil One, and we have evil within us. Ready for the good news? Nothing that happens within us or around us can separate us from God’s love.

Romans 8: 31-39:

“If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

So why do we often live as if evil has won? I can only speak from personal experience, but for me, it all comes down to whether I believe truth or lies. What I’m believing, becomes what I’m living, because God has certainly not stopped loving me (or you!) I am coming to realize that the battle for my soul is not whether or not I am being a ‘good Christian’, although obedience certainly honors God and brings us joy. The battle is whether or not we believe we are loved. Cherished. Cared for as the apple of His eye. Rejoiced over. Worth dying for. Living in this love will transform every area of our lives, and will motivate us to live the lives we are called to live. Okay, you say, so what now? This is just a humble reminder to get on your knees, confess your unbelief, and cling to the love of Christ as expressed on the cross, once again. The Gospel has been and always will be the only answer. We must preach the Gospel to our weary souls every day, and push back the power of evil in our own hearts, our families, our communities, and the world around us.

By Grace,
Ruth

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What If I’m Struggling to Believe He’s Good?

Dear sister,

I’ll never forgot what a faithful friend (Prov. 27:6) said to me when I was going through a rough spot several years ago- “Ruth, you really need to consider whether or not you believe God is good.” At that time, I had no idea what she meant, and really no desire to find out (it sounded like it would involve a lot of pain!), but the comment haunted me for a long time. Turns out, God was already planning on teaching me that very lesson, and was using those rough times to do just that. I’d imagine you’ve had seasons like that as well. The question of God’s goodness in the midst of suffering is one that has been discussed, debated, and agonized over throughout the centuries of the Christian faith. As author Joanna Weaver conveys in her book, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, Martha started to wonder if Jesus really cared about her (Luke 10:40)…. maybe you’re wondering that too. I’m reminded of these everyday times of doubt in this quote of Weaver’s:

”Doubting God’s love doesn’t require tragedy. It can creep into the everyday just as insidiously, just as dangerously.”

Sweet sister, you don’t have to be going through a tough time to forgot God’s goodness—you need only to look to the last time you got ‘frustrated’ (a.k.a. angry) about not having any blessing you think you ‘deserve’. Believe me- I’m not preaching at you- I fall into that category almost everyday! As I’ve written here and elsewhere before, the best solution to an ungrateful, discontented heart is praise and thankfulness to God for His goodness! Lately, I’ve been asking God to give me the eyes to see His goodness in my daily life, expressly for the purpose of praising Him. I long to taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8), but the cares of this world and the desires of my flesh deaden my taste buds and dull my eyes, preventing me from truly rejoicing in the realities of who God is.

God can handle your doubts sister, but don’t live in unbelief. I’ve wasted too much time there, and believe me – the view is much better from where I sit now! God has and is doing a good work in me – a work that is transforming my doubtful heart, slowly, but surely. Ask Him to renew your belief in His goodness if you are struggling. It’s a prayer He delights to answer for your good and His glory.

Weaver reminds us: ”The fact is, until we stop doubting God’s goodness, we can’t experience His love.” God’s goodness is not affected by your lack of belief, but the fullness of His love will never be yours until you wrestle with this truth. In 2 Peter 1:3-4 we see that it is the knowledge of God’s goodness that gives us access to everything required for life and godliness! Remind yourself of His goodness daily! Satan loves to tempt us with the lie that God is holding out on us…. only us…. He slyly whispers that everyone else has that very thing we desire. It’s simply not true, my friend. In Psalm 145:9, we read: “The Lord is good to everyone; His compassion rests on all He has made.” I look forward to hearing your testimony of God’s great goodness in your life (Psalm 145:7). It won’t be long, for His goodness is already within you, around you, and leading you into every new day.

Resting in His goodness,
Your sister Ruth

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Is Something Missing?

My dear sister,

I won’t forget our weekend together, how we laughed and shopped and ate lots of chocolate. The light-hearted conversation was certainly enjoyable, but what sticks in my mind is the conversation about the troubles we’ve both been having in our marriages. You struck a nerve when you said, “I have a great husband, wonderful kids, all I could ask for and more, but something is missing.’ Well, I wanted to write to you as soon as I could, because I think I may have just found out what that ‘something’ is!

I have been meditating on John 17 this week, and can’t believe that these ideas haven’t been obvious to me before. I’ve also been reading an amazing book, The Mystery of Marriage, by Mike Mason, and was riveted by his discussion on ‘Oneness’. Of course I’ve heard these ideas before, vaguely, but they certainly haven’t been a reality in my marriage up to this point…only in a very small way, enough to give me a hunger for that ‘something more’ that you are longing for too! I read this quote today, and it all started clicking in my mind:

Marriage is a living demonstration of the extravagant intimacy into which God wishes to draw all people, with the intent, as Jesus prays to His Father, “that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me” (John 17:22–23) –Mike Mason

This morning, as the piano music lilted through the air and my cranberry-mandarin candle flickered, I drank in the reality that I am already one with Christ, that He prayed this prayer for me, and that meditating on this truth will change not only my walk with Him, but also my marriage. It will change every relationship! I thought too, of all the ways that my heart resists this union with Jesus, and with my love. I reflected on all the times I avoid the nudges of the Spirit in my life, invitations to walk closer to Him, give up sin, and walk in love. I reflected on the ways I have chosen to prefer myself, and my needs, above those of my husband. I grieved over the pride that keeps me from considering him better than myself: “Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.” Philippians 2:3 (HCSB)

And somehow, the battle for the health and success of our marriage became remarkably clear. Not only did I now know in my heart the ‘why’ for giving up my desires for his, but I also saw the urgency of doing so. I saw the progression of how this unity between my love and I must happen- first, I must meditate on the wonder of my union with Christ and His deep love for me – and the result will be an overflow of love for my husband and unity with him.

I also felt fear rise up in me. Certainly, perfect love casts out all fear, (1 John 4:18) and this love of Christ can be described as nothing less than perfect. But I fear the vulnerability that comes with giving myself totally to the unconditional love and service of another. What if this newly found resolve is rejected? What if it is not returned? Two quotes gave me courage:

On the need to take the first step:

Indeed such love itself initiates growth by always taking the first step—being first to understand, first to soften the heart, first to forget a wrong, first to shoulder blame. This is the model of Christ, who in order to make peace with the world took our punishment upon Himself. –Mike Mason

On the rejection that may come:

In a difficult marriage this comes as harsh news. Indeed it’s the fact of oneness that makes being in a bad marriage so awful. The only way forward is for each partner to receive God’s unconditional love for himself or for herself, daily, and so to live in the amazing freedom of the children of God, released from all worldly obligations—including the warped demands of an unhealthy marriage.
-Mike Mason

Please do write, sister, and tell me if this resonates with you. I long for us both to know this reality in our marriages. I benefit greatly from your honesty and pure devotion to Christ. May that devotion be matched in our love for our husbands, as we lay down our lives for the sake of the Gospel. “By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35 (HCSB)

Your sister,
Ruth