Author: Karlie Bigham

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There’s No Place Like Home

Dear Sister

I’ve been thinking recently of what “home” means. It can be a place of shelter; a place to rest your head at night. It also can be a feeling of safety and belonging. I think this is why it is people who make a house feel like a home. Leaving home has taught me that.

I don’t call one place home. When I visit my childhood home, I miss my roommates and life in Florida. When I’m in Florida, I miss my family back on the west coast. I’m homesick for both yet neither are my home. It’s a very puzzling feeling. This longing for “home” and permanence is the pilgrim’s plight. We are not made for this world; we are made for something eternal. This world is not our home; it is only a shadow of things to come.

“For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come” (Heb. 13:14).

You can also feel homesick for a person. Visiting places is great, but it is people that make leaving difficult. When I was little, I was terrible at saying goodbyes. So much in fact I would hide in the closet and refuse to come out. If I didn’t say goodbye, I thought then no one would leave. But of course, that’s not how it works. The hardest goodbye I had to make was at my mother’s death. Heaven didn’t become real to me until I lost someone.

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matt. 6:19-21).

Places change and people come and go, but that’s the beauty of it. The joys and sorrows of this world make us long for the next. We get a taste of heaven in the here and now, which then points us to the feast that awaits us. Eternity is going to be one big family reunion, but nothing will compare to seeing our Savior face to face!

I’ve moved three times now, once across the country and twice locally. Each time it’s a reminder to put my trust in the Lord. It’s stressful not knowing where you are going to live or with whom, but each time the Lord provides no matter how much I worry. Each move is a gift, with the opportunity to create a sense of home, a little picture of eternity. So enjoy where God has planted you and the people you are with. Trust in the Lord, He will bring us safely home.

In Christ,

Karlie

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Acceptance vs. Agreement

Dear sister,

“Love the sinner, hate the sin” bothers me. This phrase is used a lot in Christian circles and I understand why. Scripture commands us to love our enemy as much as we love ourselves (Matt. 5:43-45) and to hate sin as much as God does (Ps. 97:10), so the principle is there. But I don’t see this balance being lived out often. There is either the extreme shunning of the sinner because of their sin or the loving of the sinner while embracing their sin. There should be a way to truly love a person and yet at the same time not endorse their choices. I believe this is the difference between agreement and acceptance.

In our culture, any form of disagreement can easily be viewed as intolerance. To accept a person means you have to accept their behavior, but the acceptance I’m talking about can show love and grace while not wavering from the truth. A good example of this is with our family members. I’ve had to have conversations with loved ones who just wanted me to accept them by being okay with their sin. In those instances, I’ve had to make the distinction that I do accept and love them, but that I don’t have to agree with them in order to continue a relationship with them.

We shouldn’t have to compromise on our personal convictions and we shouldn’t have to burn bridges either. Sometimes this means creating boundaries, which is not the same as burning bridges. Boundaries motivated by love help to maintain the relationship. It’s not easy …  it takes both truth and grace to grow a relationship. There are people in my life, especially family members, that I will love no matter what! We may not always agree and I may not like the choices they make, but that will not lessen my love for them by any means.

There will be times when we have to make the hard decision on when to let go of a relationship or where to draw the line. For me, I think the goal is always to maintain a loving relationship and build bridges. After all, it’s hard to speak the truth to someone you don’t have a relationship with. It is not loving to let people live in sin and believe the lie that no harm will ever come of it.  It takes trust in a relationship to speak truth in love. Any unwanted advice comes off as criticism and if the relationship is not strong or close, truth comes off as judgment. But we speak the truth because we love people, even if it means losing a relationship. That’s why, if agreement cannot be reached, it sometimes is best to just reach a point of peace, realizing you will always love and accept them, but cannot entirely agree with them. This is why we pray for true repentance.  We are to love the sinner, speak the truth, and trust God will continue the work He started.

In Christ,

Karlie

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Relational Idols

Dear sister,

I love people, sometimes too much. I’ll depend on them, be fulfilled by them, desire to please them, and need to feel loved by them, sometimes more than I need God. You see, I place people higher than God, and that’s not loving. That’s false worship.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to need people. We were created to be social beings (Gen. 2:18). It’s not good to remain in isolation and avoid accountability just because relationships are messy. People are a blessing and friendship is a gift from God. But we make something an idol when that blessing becomes more important in our hearts than God. As Calvin put it, “The heart is an idol factory.” Just like the “unrighteous men” in Romans 1, we end up worshiping the creation rather than the Creator. What a shame that we put our hope in the gift instead of where it came from.

We are to love others, but when we constantly have this desire to please people or need them for our sense of worth, that love becomes self-seeking and a form of self-worship.

In this life, people will let us down. No spouse is perfect, parents are human too, and even “best” friends aren’t always the best. That’s because THEY ARE NOT GOD! We should not expect people to be perfect; perfection is impossible this side of heaven. We wouldn’t want people to put unfair expectations on us, so we should not do the same to them. Nothing and no one will truly fulfill us like Christ, yet we still try to find fulfillment in others. Why is that?

I’ve never really struggled with peer pressure, but I do consider myself a people-pleaser. I used to see this as a good thing, like being a peace maker. Why would I want to displease people or make them upset? But I’ve since learned my faults and realize I just hate confrontation for selfish reasons. I don’t want to get hurt, and if I’m honest with myself, I care too much what people think. I want to be loved, but I often look to the wrong source for that love. That’s why we are to love God more than man.

“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe” (Proverbs 29:25)

I like the idea of “safe,” but we don’t just love God because it’s safer than being vulnerable with others. We are to love others because God first loved us (1 John 4:19). The only way we can love others is if we put people in their place and look to God alone for our satisfaction.

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men” (Colossians 3:23).

People in this life will hurt us and we will probably hurt others, after all we aren’t perfect either. People can’t save us and we can’t be God for others, and that’s a good thing! Our humanness is supposed to point us to Christ! That’s why we first love God, then others. Once we have a proper view of God, self, and others, we can truly enjoy human relationship and fellowship. I’ve received the best encouragement from people I love and my close friendships have been a huge comfort to me over the years. Love others, but don’t make them an idol. Trust in God, not man.

Your sister in Christ,

Karlie

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The Cancer of Sin

Dear sister,

For seven years my mother battled cancer, but what concerned her more was the condition of her soul. You see, my mom realized the biggest problem we face in this life is not disease or death, but sin. Sin is a spiritual cancer we need to fight. As it says in Romans 3, “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God.” All are sick with sin and it is more destructive than the most aggressive disease.

“Be killing sin or it will be killing you.” – John Owen, The Mortification of Sin

When I went to counseling, I learned just how damaging sin can be. It may be easy to justify or seem fine in the moment, but sin leads to death (Rom. 6:23). The below acronym helped me see my sin for what it was. Sin:

D – damages
E – entangles
A – alienates
T – twists the truth
H – hampers growth

Sin is a terminal disease, but thankfully there is a cure and God is the Great Physician. He measures our sins (Rom. 5:20) but does not count our sins against us, because of Christ (Rom. 4:7-8).

We all have been affected by sin. Either by our own or from the sins of others, it’s just part of living in a fallen world. People sin against us all the time and we hurt people in ways we probably don’t even realize. But God is without sin. He has no secret sins waiting to be found out. God doesn’t have any skeletons in the closet. The secrets of God are only good things and bring pleasure and assurance. So we can trust Him.

I thought the purpose of my counseling was to help me heal from hurt caused by others, but counseling exposed my sin and helped me realize I am not without blame. Often we think other people are the problem without ever looking inside ourselves. We do not know our own hearts (Psalms 19:12; Jeremiah 17:9). Often I am aware of the sins of others, but blind to my own.

“[God] graciously holds up the mirror of his Word, and my heart is laid bare. I am reminded that I am fully knowable, fully known.” – Jen Wilkin, None Like Him

I used to think it was a bad thing that God knows our hearts (Psalm 139:1-6;1 Corinthians 10:13), but God truly knows when I try and understands my personal struggles in a way no one else could. God accepts me the way I am because I am in Christ. But there is no acceptance without repentance.

“We cannot create repentance where there is unrepentance, but we can cry out to the God who can.” – Jen Wilkin, None Like Him

My mother was able to rest in her cancer because she knew the bigger battle for her soul had been won. I too am no longer a slave to sin and resting in Christ. Since God has shown grace to me, I am reminded to show grace to others when they sin against me. It’s hard to watch those I love struggle or succumb to their sin, but all I can do is speak truth into their life and trust their lives are in God’s hands. Only He can change sinful hearts, including mine.

In Christ,

Karlie

*For more encouraging thoughts by Karlie you can go to her blog: https://sowintearsdotcom.wordpress.com/

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The Flip Side of Forgiveness

Dear sister,

It’s hard for me to let go of things.

Maybe it’s a personality thing, but some people seem to get over things quicker than I can. Like a fairy that can only hold one emotion at a time, one moment they are upset and the next thing you know they have moved on. I’m more like a pit bull. Once I bite down on a feeling, it’s hard for me to let go of my death clench, especially when someone has wronged me. I like to think it’s my strong sense of justice but really I just struggle with bitterness.

Clichés like “let go and let God” and “forgive and forget” are not helpful. I want to trust God and forgive others as I’ve been forgiven, but forgiveness has not always come easy for me, especially when those close to me hurt me. I want to forget, but does that mean I pretend like it never happened? Where is the justice in that?

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:12-13).

I know I should put to death my sin of unforgiveness. The fact that I am forgiven should be the best motivator, but I still struggle to forgive. It’s just hard to let go.

If forgiveness is freeing, the flip side to forgiveness is bitterness, which only leads to spiritual torment.

When the disciples asked Jesus how many times they were to forgive someone, his answer was 77 times (Matt. 18:22). Was Jesus giving us the exact number we should forgive someone? Seven is symbolic for perfection, but I think the point here is that forgiveness is continual. It’s not as easy as “forgive and forget”. So why should we forgive? Because God commands it, and forgiveness is actually in our favor.

According to the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant, if we do not forgive from the heart the result seems to be spiritual torture (Matt. 18:35). Yes, we are to forgive as we have been forgiven, but not because the other person deserves it. If we don’t forgive, bitterness will eat away at our souls. Sin on top of sin does not solve the problem.

Bitterness is spiritually deteriorating, but true love overcomes fear.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (1 John 4:18).

When others hurt us, we don’t have to fear the pain, but we do have to forgive. And there is hope. God forgives our sins, but he is also just and sees your pain. Vengeance belongs to God and He will repay evil for evil (Rom. 12:19). Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting, but we are not to add to evil with our bitterness. So strive to forgive daily and trust God with the rest.

In Christ,

Karlie