Dear Sister,
Just recently I was trying to remember the last time I was angry about something. I couldn’t do it! I was surprised that I couldn’t remember one time in the last few years that I had been truly angry. Frustrated, yes. Annoyed, yes. But angry? Sure, I got angry at the television sometimes when certain political shows are on but it wasn’t the kind of anger that lasts, or the kind that you have to worry about letting the sun go down on. That kind of anger, I knew nothing about. And then last month happened. Somehow I went from doing just fine to all of sudden being completely overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions. I was disappointed in myself. I was envious, uncertain of my future and yes, I was angry! Where had it all come from? I quickly realized that it didn’t just come all at once or overnight. I had been keeping all of my emotions bottled up inside and was always quick to brush them aside if one ever reared its ugly head. But I never dealt with the root of the problem. So each emotion grew and festered inside of me until I could not hold it in anymore. I had to let them go, I had to cry them out or I was going to explode!
Once I got past the tears, I had to examine the source of my emotions. Why was I so angry? Where had all of it come from? Well, dear sister, I soon discovered that my disappointment in myself and my anger were linked to each other. I was disappointed in myself because I finally realized that the reason I am not closer to accomplishing my goals today is that I was too busy procrastinating yesterday. I realized that I had wasted so much time and I would never be able to go back and do it right. All of this pointed me to the greater issue–my sinfulness. I was selfish, lazy, disobedient, and failed to exercise self-control over my mind and discipline my body. I was and still am ANGRY! I hate my sin! Not only has it led me to accomplishing less than I know I am capable of, but it has hurt my Savior and grieved His Holy Spirit. And now I am not as close with my Savior as I could be had I taken the time to be consistent and discipline myself in the way I spend my time.
So I’ve cried and now I know the source of my anger. The next step then is to resolve it. It is very tempting for me to beat myself up for how I behaved in the past but that wouldn’t be beneficial. When the woman caught in adultery was brought before Jesus, he didn’t condemn her. He said, “Go, and from now on sin no more.” So instead of living in the shame of my past I need to go to my Lord in prayer and with a penitent heart and ask Him to give me the strength that I need to leave my sin behind me and walk in the newness of life that Christ has given me.
My dear sister, If you are struggling with the shame of your past and are discouraged because even now your repentance is imperfect, remember Paul’s words in Galatians 6:15, “For neither circumcision counts for anything, nor uncircumcision, but a new creation.” If you are in Christ then you are a new creation (II Corinthians 5:17). It is not by our works that we are saved, but by the grace of God and the work that Christ has already completed for us. The work is done, dear one. All we must do now is walk in the newness of life we have in Christ.
Keep walking,
Kayla